You both like your Sundays alone. Neither of you texts much during the day. Nobody asks "Where is this going?" and there are almost no arguments. From the outside, and sometimes from the inside, it looks like the most low-maintenance relationship in the world.
Relationship advice tends to focus on loud patterns: the anxious partner who pursues, the avoidant one who flees. When two avoidant people get together, the pattern is quieter, and that's exactly why it gets overlooked. Here's what tends to happen, what can go wrong, and how two independent people can build real closeness without losing themselves.
What an avoidant-avoidant relationship is
Attachment researchers usually measure adult attachment on two dimensions: anxiety (worry about rejection) and avoidance (discomfort with closeness and depending on others). In an avoidant-avoidant relationship, both partners score high on avoidance.
Usually that means two people with a dismissive avoidant style: self-reliant, private and wary of needing anyone. If one or both partners are fearful-avoidant, meaning high on both anxiety and avoidance, the relationship tends to be more turbulent, with sudden swings between closeness and retreat.
Studies of dating couples suggest that avoidant-avoidant pairings are less common than you might expect. One likely reason is that relationships need someone to make the first move, and two avoidant people may simply never push past the early stages. So this pairing is less researched, and much of what follows draws on what we know about attachment avoidance in general.
Why it can feel easy at first
No pressure
Neither partner is asking for constant contact or big declarations. For people who find expectations of closeness stressful, that can feel like a huge relief.
Mutual respect for independence
You both have your own friends, routines and goals, and neither of you takes that personally. Separate holidays or quiet evenings in different rooms don't cause a crisis.
Very little drama
Avoidant people tend to keep emotions contained, especially negative ones. Two of them together can produce a calm, polite household where conflict is rare.
All of this can be genuinely good. Independence is a strength, and plenty of secure couples also value space. The question is whether the calm is chosen or whether it's covering something.
The quiet problems
Nobody reaches across
In any relationship, there are moments when someone needs to say, "I miss you," "That hurt," or "Can we talk?" When both partners find those words uncomfortable, nobody says them. The relationship doesn't break. It just drifts.
Conflict goes underground
Avoidant people often handle disagreement by going quiet, changing the subject or quietly doing their own thing. With two of them, problems are rarely fought about and rarely solved. Resentment can build for years without ever being spoken.
Parallel lives
It's easy to end up as housemates who share a bed: kind to each other, efficient as a team, but emotionally separate. Friends may even describe you as the most sensible couple they know. Yet many avoidant couples describe realising one day that they don't really know what the other is feeling.
Intimacy plateaus
Emotional vulnerability and physical intimacy often grow together. If both of you keep a protective distance, closeness can level off early and stay there.
Healthy independence or avoidant distance?
The line between them isn't always obvious. This comparison can help:
| Healthy independence | Avoidant distance | |
|---|---|---|
| Time apart | Recharges you, then you reconnect | Becomes the default, reconnection rarely happens |
| Disagreements | Raised calmly, then resolved | Avoided, left unspoken |
| Feelings | Shared when they matter | Kept private even when they matter |
| Stress | You turn to each other at least sometimes | You each cope alone, often without the other knowing |
| Over the years | Closeness grows | Closeness stays the same or fades |
If most of your relationship sits in the right-hand column, it doesn't mean you're incompatible. It means your shared style is protecting you both from discomfort, and costing you some connection in the process.
Signs the distance has gone too far
- You learn about each other's big news from someone else.
- Neither of you can remember the last real conversation about how you're doing.
- Arguments never happen, but neither does repair.
- You feel lonely together and fine apart.
- One of you could leave, and the other might not be sure why.
Many of these come from habits psychologists call deactivating strategies: small, often unconscious ways of turning down closeness. Spotting them is the first step to changing them.
How two avoidant partners can build closeness
The aim isn't to turn into a clingy couple. It's to add small, manageable doses of connection that feel safe for both of you.
Schedule closeness
Spontaneous intimacy can feel overwhelming. Planned closeness often doesn't. A weekly dinner without phones, a monthly walk to talk about how things are going, or a regular check-in on Sunday evenings can give connection a container with clear edges. The structure is what makes it feel safe: you both know when it starts and when it ends.
Share feelings in small doses
You don't need to start with your deepest fears. Try low-stakes honesty: "I was a bit flat today," or "I really liked that evening." Small disclosures build the habit, and the habit makes bigger ones easier. If saying it face to face feels like too much, a message is a perfectly good place to start.
Agree a repair ritual
Going quiet after a disagreement is common, as our piece on why partners go silent after arguments explains. Agree in advance that either of you can take space, as long as you come back within a set time to finish the conversation.
Keep your independence, add one shared thing
You don't have to give up separate lives. Just add something that belongs to both of you: a project, a trip, a hobby. Shared experiences create closeness without requiring a lot of talking about feelings.
It also helps to know where you each sit. Take our free attachment style test separately. You may find one of you is more avoidant than the other, or that one of you has more anxiety under the surface than either realised.
When to get support
If you both want more closeness but keep slipping back into distance, couples therapy can give you a structured, lower-pressure space to practise. Therapists using attachment-based approaches such as Emotionally Focused Therapy are used to working with couples who find vulnerability hard.
The bottom line
When two avoidant people date, the relationship can feel calm, respectful and refreshingly free of drama. The risk is that nobody reaches across, conflict goes unspoken and the two of you drift into parallel lives. Small, scheduled doses of closeness and a clear repair ritual can keep the independence you both value while letting real intimacy grow.
FAQ
Can two avoidants have a successful relationship?
Yes. Many avoidant couples are stable and kind to each other. They tend to do best when both partners make deliberate, small efforts to share feelings and repair after conflict.
Do two avoidants ever fight?
Usually less than other couples, but that isn't always a good sign. Disagreements often go unspoken rather than being resolved.
Will two avoidants become more secure together?
They can, especially if both are motivated to practise small acts of vulnerability. A stable, respectful relationship can be a good foundation for that growth.
